An Actual Substitute's Real-Life Experiences Reported in Pedagogic Speak

Gotham City Board of Education

Guide to Substitute Teaching

Note: City regulations require us to explain why we create each document, and that is the sole reason for this clarification.  Do not assume that this candor is typical of the Board of Education.

Why we are publishing this handbook

Some of our schools and parents have complained about disorder in substitute classes.  We are assuming the disorder is due to incompetence on the part of substitutes, not due to lack of leverage over the students.  So, rather than trying to facilitate the job of substituting, we are publishing this manual so we can say we did something about it.  Since we have neither the time nor the inclination to consult schools or ask experienced substitutes, we are outlining here our gut feelings about substitute teaching.  Another step we have taken towards improving our substitute marketplace is to require substitutes to take an elementary teaching course, produced out of State, that emphasizes the dangers of blood-borne pathogens.

Philosophy of Substitute Teaching

In the best American tradition, all goods and every service except sex is or ought to be a commodity with a price.  Substitute teaching is no exception.  

We believe in this tradition so strongly, that we are willing to sacrifice job satisfaction and employee retention to it.  This is why as a self-employed substitute you will receive no employee benefits.  It also explains why the State pays no compensation during your summer unemployment.  We are even willing to sacrifice substitute effectiveness to the theory of commoditization.  You will not be assigned to one or two schools that you might become familiar with or that might become familiar with you.  Instead, we have devised a computerized sub-centralized system that randomly assigns you to a new school every day (see below).  This way, difficult and crime-ridden schools get an equal shot at you.

We feel that commoditization is actually a benefit to you and the marketplace of substitute teachers. You will learn below how substitute teaching in our City actually hardens you, trains your mind, and makes you a better commodity. Sometimes we wonder why people don’t pay us for this valuable on-the-job training.  

Who is a substitute?

A substitute is commodity used to baby-sit children whose regular teacher is unavailable. Some people mistakenly believe that all public school teaching is simply a means to allow all parents to fully participate in the labor market.  But this is true only of substitute teachers.

The best substitute teachers are super humans.  They have a photographic memory, able to instantly memorize the names of hundreds unfamiliar students every day.  They exude confidence in the face of a crowd of students running wild around a classroom with no concrete leverage to influence their behavior.  

Often students will supply substitute teachers with inaccurate information (see below for the reasons and examples), and the substitute must be able to read their minds and retrieve the correct information.

A substitute should have a high-pitched, crowd-piercing voice and be fearsome, yet pleasant.  A substitute should have a tall, imposing stature, if at all possible.  You will read below how children’s behavior is often influenced by primeval feelings rather than by reasoning.  You must utilize your ability to influence students’ unconscious beliefs, just as advertisers do and will continue to do for the rest of the children’s lives. Rational thinking has no place in substitute teaching.

Needless to say, intimidation and physical compulsion are strictly prohibited. Your inspiring personality is your leverage to get the students to behave like human beings.

A good substitute is also adaptable.  In addition to hundreds of new students, you will be exposed to a new workplace each day.  A teacher’s desk or chair may or may not be available.  Each school will have its own expectations and procedures.  Good substitutes arrive an unpaid hour early to familiarize themselves with them before classes start.

A substitute is also the students’ servant.  Students leave a mass of food wrappers and other miscellaneous trash for you to clean up.  You must also erase their graffiti on the board and put back the desks and chairs that students have moved.  Students often ask you to pick up things they have dropped.  They are concerned lest you become too sedentary without this exercise.

A substitute teacher should have a very large bladder.  Substitutes may not use the students’ bathrooms under any circumstances, and faculty bathrooms are normally locked (see key policy, below).

Students

Twenty-first century students are not the children of the past.  To reduce their susceptibility to abuse, children are trained to distrust all adults except non-estranged parents.  This healthy skepticism will prevent them from falling into the trap of following your instructions simply because you are their elder.  One of the benefits of substitute teaching is the practice you will get in raising the students’ respect for yourself up above that of an obnoxious stranger.  

Perhaps due to the effects of loud i-pod earphones, most students are hearing impaired.  Even if you scream directly at them, you are not likely to get their attention.  

A majority of students come from cultures with different communication protocols.  Many do not customarily look at the person addressing them.  Others do not take requests seriously unless you wait and watch until they are carried out.

Students may have low incomes, even if their footwear or electronics seem expensive, and they often come to school without pencil, pen or paper.  Do not embarrass needy students by pressing them to write the assignment, unless you are prepared to give them a pencil.  As a substitute, you are expected to bring enough supplies to “lend” to students in need.  These are non-reimbursable expenses.

Student Solidarity

Another challenge comes in extending the student’s solidarity with their classmates to yourself.  You will quickly observe that if you correct one student, another student will spontaneously and vociferously act as the student’s spokesperson in order to rescue their classmate from undue criticism.  This is an example of student solidarity.  The experienced substitute is able to exude such authority as to give all the students confidence that the strange teacher is not out to get them.  Substitute teaching offers you extensive exercise in penetrating this “solidarity barrier.”   You will know you have succeeded when students stop informing you that you are not their teacher and have no authority in their classroom.

Students also exhibit a strong solidarity with their parents and their relatives.  Many are so devoted to their parents that they cannot resist breaking the ban on cellphone use by constantly calling their loved ones.  You will find that a student who is “talking to their mother” is too modest and embarrassed to let you get on the line and explain that cellphones must not be used in class.

Students have numerous cousins (with different surnames, of course) in other classrooms and they often need to consult with them on delicate, private family matters as they visit your classroom on the way to the bathroom.  This is another example of family solidarity.

Students and the Law

Twenty-first century students are preparing themselves for twenty-first century life.  It is no wonder, then, that students will be seen honing their legal skills more often than their mathematical, geographical, literary, or other outmoded skills.  As mentioned above, many students will spontaneously act as the attorney for a student being corrected.  They also understand that giving false or misleading information is no crime unless under oath.  Students make a particular study of substitutes’ official or supposed limitations and prohibitions and they will kindly point them out to you as often as necessary.

On the other hand, your presence as a stranger in the classroom is apt to shock students’ frontal cortex into forgetting their obligations and the classroom procedures set up by their permanent teacher.  This is known as the rule-resetting principle, by which all restrictions on students are suspended unless specifically enumerated by the substitute.

In fact, your presence is often enough to make a student forget his or her own name.  An anonymous student, flustered by an interrogation, is also likely to have forgotten to carry the student ID issued by the school.

Until about the end of the sixth grade, students are willing to report each other for transgressions, requiring your mind-reading skills to decide who’s to blame.  But from the seventh grade onward, students follow a strict, no-snitch policy.  It is reassuring to know that students are prepared in this way for life in the penitentiary, should the need arise.  The no-snitch policy gives an injured party no alternative but retaliation, leading to escalation of conflicts.  It is a substitute’s job to nip this escalation in the bud.

Student Sensitivity

Students are extremely sensitive to offensive or insulting language in adults.  This is due to students’ underdeveloped self confidence.  Any remark that could be construed as demeaning, no matter how innocent, will cause a protracted uproar in the classroom at minimum but could ultimately lead to your dismissal.  

On the other hand, being exposed to abusive language at home may cause students to use vulgar language with each other or with you.  Do not let this distract you from your lesson.

Students are especially sensitive to inaccuracies in a substitute’s speech.  For example, if you require an incorrigible student to “go down to the Dean’s office,” the student may inform you that the Dean’s office is not down, but upstairs, so that your order is null and void.

Young noses react sharply to any odors that are out of the ordinary.  You will observe prolonged wailing, laughter, or even a mass exodus out of any area exposed to flatulence or other unpleasant odor.  Assure the students that the odor is harmless and strive to restore order.

Students’ Need for Conformity

Young minds have a strong urge to conform in order to feel secure.  For example, if a student is the first to be corrected in a group of misbehavers, that student is likely to point out the others and be unable to change his own behavior.  Another example is the crowd of students leaving your classroom early if one student gets up before the bell rings.

Relations between Substitutes and Students

Students have a great interest and curiosity about your personal life.  They are apt to ask numerous questions about yourself, and they are even willing to ignore their classwork and listen to stories that would bore adults.  Students will take umbrage and demand exemptions if their inquisitiveness wasted the time needed to finish their assignment.

Touching

It is understandable that as a substitute teacher you would be eager to have intimate contact with immature strangers slobbering all over each other, sharing water bottles and germs.  You may even be tempted to give yourself an unpaid respite by exposing yourself to a student’s cold or flu.  However, teachers are strictly prohibited from touching students, and you must scrupulously resist this temptation.

Some students may feel uncomfortable being touched, but they may be under social pressure to tolerate it.  This discomfort may only become evident in a court of law, costing the City millions. Therefore you are required not only to avoid intimate contact between yourself and students, but also to disallow such contacts between students.

However much this no-touch policy is ignored by others, you must enforce it.  Students may expect you to “high five” them and hug them, and will express enormous chagrin if you hesitate.  Remember that if a student accuses a substitute of sexual harassment, that substitute will be automatically dismissed without consultation and with no right of appeal.  Retaining good substitutes is a far lower priority than preventing lawsuits.  

Substitute on-the-job training

Students feel it is their responsibility to train and harden all substitutes, so expect frequent correction about what is and isn’t allowed.  You will be instructed both as to what you are allowed to do and what students may do.  Sometimes this instruction may not be entirely  accurate, but bear in mind that the student may be training you on your ability to glean the truth in the face of misinformation.  Do not take student correction personally, even if this training seems particularly harsh or direct.  Remember that the students treat every substitute the same way.  They do not discriminate.

The Language Barrier

In addition to naming conventions (see next section) you should be aware of the technical language used in twenty-first century public schools.  The words mother and father have been replaced by mom and dad.  As you will see below, children has been replaced by guys.  Do not use the obsolete verbs must or have to, which will not be understood.  Instead, use the verb need to, as in: You need to sit down now.  

You need not worry that the excessive politeness we recommended above will soften your requests so much as to make them optional.  Because such language is mandatory, expressions such as need to have acquired a tone of urgency that they never had in the past.  So, Pick up that wrapper, please now has the same forcefulness as Pick up that wrapper, and that’s an order!    

Names and Terms of Address

Another area of high sensitivity among students is their names.  For example, misbehaving students will be offended if you refer to them by name too often.  Students are not fully developed socially, so they will not attempt to learn your name, but will be offended if you mispronounce theirs.  They may wonder why you have forgotten their name, even if they don’t know yours.

Polite students will address you simply as “mister” or “miss”.  Do not attempt to explain that these titles are normally used with a surname.  Many students believe that “mister” is the translation of Spanish maestro (teacher).

Non-polite students will call you other things.  This does not give you the right to call them by anything other than what they prefer.

Individually, students should be addressed by their given names, even if substitute receives a roster listed alphabetically by surname.  Given names may be truncated on a roster because of excessive length of a (double) surname.  Guessing the wrong name will create a long disturbance of umbrage-taking.  Do not expect students to know each others’ surnames.  

Collectively, the proper term for directly addressing your class is “guys.”   An occasionally effective way to get the attention of a guiltily misbehaving group of students is to shout “boys!” or “girls!”   On a lucky day, this may even be effective on groups you didn’t notice were misbehaving.  However, be prepared for prolonged, vociferous umbrage-taking if it turns out that one member of the opposite sex is included in what you thought was a unisex group.

Bullying of Students

DEFINITION: A student is bullied when he or she is treated like a substitute teacher.

Bullying of students must not be tolerated, whether it is initiated by an adult or another student.

The Substitute’s Workplace

When you consider that a “substitute” is universally considered an inferior option, and that substitutes are usually required because of an unfortunate situation, it is not surprising that the chief characteristic of the substitute’s workplace is that there is no physical accommodation for substitute teachers.  There will be nowhere to store your personal belongings, so keep them to a minimum, especially since you should also be carrying ample classroom supplies along with multi-level and multi-subject emergency lesson plans of your own creation.

Keys

For security reasons, much of the school’s physical plant is locked up.  You are not likely to be issued a key for anything, since despite their photographic memories, substitutes often forget to return keys.  As mentioned above, adult bathrooms are locked, so be sure to thoroughly use your home facility just before leaving for school.  Your first-period classroom is likely to be locked.  It is quickest to visit neighboring classrooms to borrow a key from another teacher.  If no teacher has the key, ask one to call the janitor to open the door.  Patiently wait in front of the locked door and assure arriving students that you will be taking attendance once inside.  It often happens that the classroom you got unlocked at first period is miraculously locked again when you return from lunch, so leave some spare time for that contingency.

Drawers in teachers’ desks and closets are often locked as well, so be sure you bring your own supplies.  Computers and laptops that control a “smartboard”  will require passwords not issued to you, so you will have to improvise.

The Classroom

It may be difficult to locate the teacher’s desk, since there may be several desks or no desks that stand out.  Try to position yourself in the direction most student desks are facing.  Do not depend on keeping your jacket on the teacher’s chair back, as it may already be occupied by a sweater.

There may be a blackboard or a whiteboard on which to write your name and the students’ assignment, but it is just as likely to be covered with posters.  Only the smartboard will be clear, but you are unlikely to be able to operate it.  Do not use markers on the smartboard, as they will not erase.  Be sure to bring your own erasable markers, chalk and erasers, in case the boards are usable, because such supplies may be locked up.  Note that these are non-reimbursable expenses.

Windows are often impossible to open, and access to them is often blocked by an immovable shade.  By the rule-resetting principle (see above), students will freely open and close windows, and turn on and off fans and air conditioners at will.  In a warm classroom, students will insist on using the air conditioner before opening a window in mid-winter or removing sweaters or jackets.  Do not waste lesson time trying to explain how wasting energy causes global warming.

The classroom phone may not work, in which case you must send a student to report a problem.  Do not leave the students unattended.  Do not call administrators excessively, as it will reflect on your competence.  Remember, even though you are not permitted to block a school from calling you, the sub-centralized computer system allows a school to blacklist you.  Do not allow students to use the classroom phone.  Expect spurious phone calls if nearby classrooms have inexperienced substitute teachers.

The Substitute’s Typical Day

You may be awakened by a call from the automated callout system as early 5:30 AM, even if your workday begins at 8:30.  (Or you may be called as late as 10:30 PM on the previous night.  We have determined that a substitute should need no more than seven hours’ sleep per night.)  After hearing your name spoken in your own voice, fully awaken immediately and be prepared to enter your ID and secret password, pressing telephone keys to deal with the computer.  You will often get job offers for schools impossibly far away to reach on time, because the system does not relate distances to job start time.  Reject these offers and try to fall asleep again.  If you accept a job, you must write down information about the name of the school, address, and time of arrival, so have pen and paper available at your bedside.  Independently find out directions to school if unfamiliar with it. Be sure to use the bathroom just before leaving!

Leave plenty of spare time for transportation, for although you will not receive any extra pay for extra time worked, you will receive only half pay if your hours for the day come up short.  When you arrive, show your ID to the guard and ask for the main office.  From the payroll secretary, you will need to obtain a timecard to clock in.  Sign the stamped card and put it on the time card rack or you will not be paid.  Pay particular attention to rack protocol, as the secretary may be sensitive about it.  Keep a careful record of your days worked, as payroll secretaries have been known to err.

Request extremely politely the following items, as a school may not be accustomed to giving all of them out, and you may appear greedy.  You will need your day’s schedule with room numbers, the bell schedule, the lessons for each class, and attendance sheets.  Also, get a phone number to call in case of open rebellion in the classroom.  It helps to get the name of the Dean (disciplinarian) to drop for leverage with willful students.  Be sure to read through all instructions before leaving the office for your first class, as there may be unclear or contradictory information.  Your union contract says you must follow exactly the permanent teacher’s schedule, but be prepared to accept several classes in a row or extra classes, if you wish to work again at that school.  Remember that you are a commodity that can instantly be replaced.

Beginning of the Class Period

It “pays” to arrive early, since exotic room numbering systems may make finding your first classroom a challenge.  Quickly write your name and the assignment on the board, if there is available space.  If there is still time, try to find a copy of the textbook and read through the lesson or the handout so you may help the students.  Then stand at the entrance, smile and greet the students with a pleasant “Come in quietly and take your seat, please.”   Give each arriving student a handout, if you’re lucky enough to have them.  You may be surprised at how many students did not hear your request or did not even see you and take a handout.  Young minds may be flustered by the novelty of a substitute, and will greet you with unexpected remarks ranging from “Haleluya! the bitch is not here” to “You again?”

When most of the students have arrived, notice how many are still standing or even dancing about. Calmly approach each group of standees and politely request that they take their seats and begin their assignment.  Wait until each student in the group sits down, then move on to the next group. This may take several rounds, as students get up and form new klotches.  Be patient and excessively polite, for students are hypersensitive to rudeness.  

Flustered students are likely to suffer from deja vu, and will report that they have already done the assignment.  This is frustrating to students, who may become upset about the assignment.  Do not ask to check the finished assignment, since it was probably left at home.  Simply ask them politely to do it again as extra practice.  Be sure that all students have received the handout, and give it to those who have not.  Do not expect students to notice what their neighbor is doing and ask you for a handout, and remember that not having received the assignment is a perfectly valid excuse for not doing it.  

By the rule-resetting principle, students are likely to crowd around you, asking to go to their lockers, the bathroom, or asking you to find, accept or sign unfamiliar papers or to give them supplies. Calmly remind them that they may not leave the classroom during the first or last five minutes of the class period, and that you are a substitute and know less about these things than their teacher.  Or explain that you cannot see through the crowding students and your job is to watch the whole class.

It may seem that it’s taking a very long time for the students to be seated and start their work.  This is understandable, as your presence has upset the class routine.  Have patience and take deep breaths.  Don’t panic.  Do not show anger, only determination.  Do not be flustered.  If you express frustration you may evoke some primeval feelings in immature student minds reminiscent of a domestic cat batting about an injured mouse, trying to get a reaction.  Do not take student misbehavior personally, and learn to suppress all emotions.  After all, students do not expect you to have feelings.

Once students are seated, it is time to take attendance.  Since you are not likely to be able to advance students in their studies, taking accurate attendance is your greatest responsibility.  Part of the no-snitch policy (see above) is never to give a misbehaving student’s true name to a substitute, so this is your one and only chance to get an accurate idea of who is who in your class.  Memorize the name and face of each student as you take attendance, because knowing their names will be your only leverage in maintaining order and keeping them on task.  So do not let a student take attendance, even if the teacher normally allows it.  Incidentally, State law prohibits it.  

If you have a roster, call out names loudly above the din.  You may remind your audience that noisy students who do not hear their names may be inadvertently marked absent, but the quiet this brings about will be fleeting.  If you have not been given a roster, pass around a sign-in sheet, and then call out the names on the sheet to be sure everyone signed in and that there are no excess students.  If a student answers “present” for more than one name, it is due to multiple-personality disorder with one of their friends who is not in class at present.  Ascertain the spurious name and cross it out. Beware of joke names, as reading them aloud will produce a prolonged uproar.  You will need your ability to distinguish misinformation here, and in cases where students inadvertently exchange names.  Remember, it is unlawful to coerce a student into producing an ID.

When you discover the excess students who are “visiting” from other classes, politely ask each of them for their name, not showing them the roster, as they may accidentally identify themselves as absent students if your question confuses them.  The student may mumble his or her name or be too modest to give a name, so you may have to ask for the student’s ID or schedule.  But  the student will most certainly consider this an invasion of privacy.  You have probably flustered the student, so give the student an “out” by sending them to their locker to get the ID, and asking them to bring their belongings with them.  The student will remember where he or she belongs and not return.

There may be another adult in the classroom, a paraprofessional teacher (“para”), who is in charge of one or a group of special education students.  Paras must not reveal which students they are minding.  If it appears that the para is doing nothing to help you, it is due to this privacy policy.

Main Part of Class Period

Now walk around the room, helping students and encouraging them to stay on task.  Do not take your eyes off the majority of students even for one moment, or students will begin to think of you as one of them and not as an authority figure.  This is where it pays to become completely familiar with the lesson before class, because you will not be able to divert your attention from the students for one moment in order to concentrate on a question.  If you do, the class may forget your requests for order, and the effort you have spent getting them to settle down will be in vain.  So if a question requires more than a superficial answer, encourage a neighboring student to help instead.

Unless the permanent teacher specifically requires the students to keep the assignment, announce that you will be collecting it at the end of the period.  Make frequent announcements about how much time is remaining in the period to finish the assignment.  If your voice does not carry across the din, make these announcements to everyone individually or in small groups, which is more effective anyway.

If your class seems too noisy, remind students that they may help their neighbor quietly, but not call across the room.  Remind students that drumming, tapping, whistling, etc. are unnecessary noises. Twenty-first century students are not accustomed to working quietly, so do not attempt to enforce a strict silence unless students are doing Independent Reading.  The only other time that silence is normally required is when someone is addressing the whole class.  Do not expect many such opportunities for yourself to address the class, as you are stranger to them.  By the rule-resetting principle, the noise from electric pencil sharpeners will drown out anything you try to say anyway. For this reason, it is a good idea to try to modify the teacher’s lesson plan if it requires you to address the whole class, or to call on individuals while others pay attention.  Change it into a written assignment if you can.

Expect latecomers, and mark them late on your attendance sheet unless they brought a pass. Latecomers often have a psychological need to loudly greet each of their friends with a kiss or a slap before they finally reach their desk, to reassure everyone that their lateness was not due to some tragic misfortune.  

Do not allow students who do not belong in your class to enter your classroom.  Whenever you get a “visitor on the way to the bathroom” from another class, listen carefully to your own students, who may inadvertently call out the visitor’s name, to engage them in a conversation.  Addressing extraneous students by name, you may be able to convince them to leave.  Otherwise, you will have to rely on the strength of your authoritative personality alone.

Do not allow students to leave the classroom for any reason but the bathroom.  Expect resentment from faculty and students whose plans for formal conferences or chit-chat have been thwarted. Allow students to go to the bathroom with the hall pass, one at a time, unless it’s an “emergency.” Here again, rely on your superhuman capacity to detect false emergencies.

Train your eyes to be able to identify precisely where a thrown object came from.  Unless another student is a resentful target, nobody will inform on the thrower.  In cases where a thrower is identified, the disgrace of being required to pick something up is often enough to discourage further throwing.

End of the Class Period

Be sure to check your bell schedule in advance and have an accurate timepiece so you will know exactly when the period ends.  The school may or may not have an audible signal at the end of class periods, and “bell” sounds vary from a buzzer to a rock song, so listen carefully.  But well before the end of the period, you must collect the classwork and give out the homework.  Then position yourself in front of the exit and remind students that they may not leave until the classroom is clean and the desks are put back where they were found.  

Students often forget when the period officially ends, and may attempt to leave early.  Your presence may confuse them into telling you a time for dismissal earlier than the one they are used to, so check your bell schedule for the true period-ending time.  Keep the exit blocked until you are sure the period has ended.

When all students have left, straighten up the desks, pick up the trash, etc.  Then prepare yourself to repeat the above.  Or follow next section dealing with non-class time.

Non-Class Time

If your next period is “prep time” (corresponding to time teachers are allotted to prepare lessons), you may not leave the building, since you may be called on to cover a class unexpectedly without a teacher.  Find the “teacher’s lounge,” if there is one, and recover yourself there.

If your next period is designated “lunch,” then you may leave the building.  Some schools require you to sign out whenever you leave, even if it’s to buy coffee.

End of School Day

Calculate the time when you will have spent the required hours in school, and do not clock out before then, even if you have completed the teacher’s program for the day.  If you have time to kill before then, do not write a report to the teacher or report misbehavers to the Dean.  Doing so might endear you to the school, which would make the substitute market less homogeneous.  Outstanding substitutes would no longer be part of a manipulable commodity, which the Board of Education would not know how to deal with.

Place sign-in sheets, completed class work, and attendance sheets in the teacher’s mail slot, if you can find it, unless there is another designated place for them.  You are now free to clock out, go home, and wonder what you did wrong.

The Board of Education

We at the Board of Education are currently trying to find something to do for teachers we have pulled out of their classrooms for incompetence, because their contract prohibits us from firing them.  Part of the solution is to turn them into substitutes.  We are hoping that adding incompetent teachers will raise the competence level of the pool of substitutes.  This way, we are also able reduce to the number of jobs for self-employed substitutes, tightening up the market, and giving us the power to make even greater demands on you.  

You may notice that it now takes half an hour to get someone to help you when you call us.  Or that it is difficult to renew your annual substitute teacher’s license.  One thing has not changed, however.  When you contact us, we will still know why you are calling even before you finish explaining your problem.  And we are still confused and resentful whenever we guess wrong.  Basically, we treat you like a student, the way we treat all educators.

The Teacher’s Union

We are the bitter enemies of the teacher’s union, so normally we would not even mention this organization.  However, the teacher’s union seems to agree with us that substitutes are an expendable commodity.  During your summer unemployment, only willing permanent teachers are given summer school substitute jobs as per our jointly negotiated contract.  They take home a double paycheck, you get nothing.  

Your union has only one person in charge of substitutes, and he comes in to work at 4:00 PM.  He knows nothing about our policies for substitutes except to lament anything you might complain about.  

Quiz:  

Q. #1. Two girls ask if they can leave the classroom together.  Most likely:

a) One girl needs to clean a stain on the back of the other's shirt in the girl's room.

b) One girl will escort the other to the nurse.

c) The girls want to take a stroll around the halls together rather than do the assignment.

ANS: B.  

Not A -- you can’t clean a stain.  Not C -- students are not allowed to roam the halls.

Q. #2.  You ask a student who is not on your roster to go where she’s supposed to be.  Grudgingly, she heads for the door.  At the end of the period:

a) The girl’s teacher calls to thank you for returning student to her class

b) The girl never left your classroom, and she sneaks out with the rest of the students

c) Girl never left classroom and on her way out sarcastically thanks you for letting her stay.

ANS: C.

Not A -- Girl would not return to a class she was cutting.  Not B -- Girl would inform you of your mistake in order to make you a better substitute.

Q. #3.  Substitute classes are noisier than regular classes because:

a)  Students are sitting and chatting next to their friends, not in their assigned seats

b)  Anonymous students know you have little leverage to keep them quiet

c)  Students assume it’s okay to scream, because you have not specifically prohibited screaming

d)  The worst troublemakers cut classes and hang out with friends in substitute classes

ANS: C  Just ask the students!

Q. #4.  The best schools:

a)  Provide substitutes with seating charts, lesson plans, and the Dean’s name and number

b)  Have an administrator check on every substitute class and remind students you’re in charge

c)  Let the substitute sink or swim in order to weed out incompetence.

ANS: C  -- This also provides “baptism by fire” for substitute training

Not B -  The substitute deserves his or her privacy in the classroom.  Not A -- Too much bother

Q. #5.  The best type of lesson that a teacher can leave for a substitute is:

a)  A handout to be filled in where the substitute can easily see how much work is being done

b)  A blanket assignment for students to continue working on their unspecified “projects”

c)  No plan at all -- let substitutes use their own “substitute bag of goodies”.

ANS B:  Students have the flexibility to work at their own pace or not at all if flustered by sub.

Not A -- Photocopied handouts are too expensive.  Not C -- In practice, no substitute actually carries the recommended “bag of goodies.”

Q. #6. Schools should look for and hire:

a)  The best substitutes

b)  The worst substitutes

c)  Mediocre substitutes

ANS C: -- A commodity (substitutes) is homogeneous, and homogeneity implies mediocrity

Not B -- The worst substitutes would lower educational standards

Not A -- The best substitutes would make permanent teachers look bad in comparison

Q. #7.  You tell a boy that he may not sleep in class.  The boy answers:

a)  that he’s sorry and he promises to work on assignment.

b)  that he wasn’t disturbing the class so please let him sleep.

c)  that his teacher lets him sleep, because he can’t sleep much at home.

Ans C.  Not A --  give the boy credit for more persistence.  Not B -- children aren’t concerned about order in class and don’t realize that you are, either.

Q. #8.  You express doubts to the boy in previous question about teacher letting him sleep.  Then:

a)  Student loudly announces to class “Ms. Smith lets me sleep, doesn’t she?”

b)  Another student chimes in “Ms. Smith don’t let nobody get their sleep.”

Ans. A. -- Student knows he can rely on student solidarity.  Not B -  Student would never break no-snitch rule

Q. #9. Several students confirm that the teacher lets the boy sleep.  So you let the boy sleep.  As a consequence:

a)  The next day a girl complains to authorities that you let a boy sleep in class

b)  Another boy demands the right to sleep because “you let Johnny sleep.”

c)  Ten minutes later, principal walks in and finds many of your students are sleeping

Ans.  A, B, and C are all possible answers.

Q. #10.  The reason for the “one person at the bathroom at a time” rule is:

a)  To prevent your classroom from emptying out of students eager to go on a junket

b)  To give you the mental exercise of keeping accurate track of the order of requests to leave the room

c)  To prevent students from gathering with friends in bathrooms

Ans. B.  -- Another way substituting trains your mind, under pressure of severe student resentment for errors on your part.  Not A or C  -- You didn’t really think we would accuse the little darlings of dishonesty, did you?